Friday, December 24, 2010

Loch Ness Monster in Author's Office!

Scientists from all over the world are converging on the sleepy town of Port Perry after an image of the Loch Ness Monster turned up in the office of Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles! The Bullshitzer Prize winner turned this photograph over to The Scoop early this morning. Mr. Selles said he took the picture after hearing “a noise in the middle of the night.” The Scoop’s in-house Marine Biologist, Dr. Coraline Kelp, was unable to rule out an appearance by “Nessie” in a house in Port Perry, saying, “Look, we truly know very little about it. We don’t know if it can fly. So until we know more, it’s just as reasonable to believe that it could turn up in someone’s office as any other place.” The Scoop has cross referenced the picture with file photos, and what can be known for certain is that the author’s Bullshitzer Prize can clearly be seen in the background proving potential authenticity without a doubt! Not everyone is enthusiastic about this story. Noted media skeptic, Mr. Qualm Naysayer, declared, “This is nothing but a blatant attempt by Mr. Selles to divert attention from his dog’s legal issues!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Omens Abound!

Omens and portents abounded as the heavens aligned for beloved parody penner and Bullshitzer Prize winner, Theo Selles. A Lunar Eclipse and the beginning of Winter Solstice occurred AT THE SAME TIME as Mr. Selles celebrated a birthday! Coincidence, or an indication of how much influence the famed author has over the universe? The Scoop turned to in-house Druidologist and Medium, Ms. Crystal Frigga, for answers. Ms. Frigga intoned, “How can anyone doubt that these events have significance? Signs like these don’t just happen. We have to pay attention to what the universe is saying to us!!!!” When asked what that might be, Ms. Frigga answered, “We can’t always be 100% certain about these matters, but I am sure that Mr. Selles is going to meet a tall dark stranger.” It was left to Mr. Selles to put things into perspective as he accurately pointed out that, “None of this ever happened for whoever wrote those Harry Potter stories”, then he excused himself saying he had to put out some hay for camels as he was “expecting three wise men any time now.” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Marine Biologist Troubled!

Where were the parents!? That’s the question The Scoop is asking in the aftermath of a Selfishness Matters book launch party gone wrong. By now the world knows of the accusations of salacious advancement pointed directly at Mr. Ziggy Selles in what is universally referred to as “The Ziggy Piggy Story.” But what’s been overlooked up to this point is the role Mr. Piggy’s parents played (or perhaps did not play) in Mr. Piggy’s protection while they were at the party. The Scoop obtained this photograph of Mr. Piggy and his mother and immediately turned it over to in-house Marine Biologist, Professor Coraline Kelp, for analysis. Professor Kelp said, “This appears to be a picture of two mammals in the water. The little one has what appears to be a tire around its neck, and it seems to be struggling to stay afloat. The older, female mammal has an expression on its face which could be interpreted to be one of glee.” When asked if she could rule out foul play, Professor Kelp stated, “Absolutely not!” She added, “This reminds me of all those dead birds I’ve seen strangled by plastic can holders.” The Scoop thanked Professor Kelp and helped her make an appointment with in-house Psychiatrist, Dr. Dsm, to ease her distress. So, does this evidence point to a pattern of parental negligence and possibly more? Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Caught in the Act!

Sordid details continue to emerge concerning the alleged inappropriate behavior of Mr. Ziggy J. Selles! Mr. Selles, a King Charles Cavalier/Poodle cross, has been accused of repeatedly making unwanted advances toward a Mr. “Little Piggy” at a Selfishness Matters book launch party imagined by The Scoop to be a drunken orgy of excess. The Scoop was able to obtain this photograph of Mr. Piggy being advanced upon by Mr. Selles! Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, The Scoop's in-house Psychiatrist, has been able to ascertain from the photograph that Mr. Selles appears to demonstrate sinister intent, and could very well suffer from a variety of psychiatric disorders! Security and loyalty in the Selfishness Matters camp is notoriously tight, but one unidentified witness did describe the Cavi Poo’s behavior to be “salacious!” To make matters worse, it appears that “Little Piggy” is either a minor, or a very little person! Mr. Piggy has not made a public comment, although he has been seen blowing people kisses, which Dr. Dsm considers could be a maladaptive memory suppression coping mechanism. Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Shocking Allegations!

Shocking allegations of inappropriate behaviour have emerged in the aftermath of a recent Selfishness Matters book launch party! The Scoop has learned that Ziggy James Selles, dog of Bullshitzer Prize winner Theo Selles, has been accused of making unwanted advances towards a person who currently can only be identified as “Little Piggy.” Apparently these incidents occurred repeatedly during a drunken celebration of the type successful authors are known for hosting. The Scoop sought professional help in determining if these allegations could have merit, and submitted this photo of Mr. Selles to in-house Psychiatrist, Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, for assessment. Here is what he startlingly said: “Upon examining the photo it is clear that the suspect suffers from extreme oral fixation, possibly in conjunction with low impulse control. We most certainly cannot rule out Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder.” In fact the only disorder Dr. Dsm was willing to rule out was Vaginismus, as he has never encountered that in males before. The Scoop attempted to reach Mr. Selles for comment but learned that he has ‘lawyered up'. Rest assured that The Scoop will not rest until it gets to the bottom of this story! More dramatic news to follow!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Selfishness Matters Author receives Key!

Accolades and awards continue to pile up for much-loved best selling self-help parody book author, Theo Selles, shown receiving the key to his house from his neighbor, The Countess Francesca Shebang. When presenting Mr. Selles with the key, Ms. Shebang said, “Ziggy missed you, but he ate all his food while you were gone, and I took him for walks every day.” Mr. Selles responded modestly saying, “It’s great to have good neighbors” and promised The Countess that he would give her a copy of the key to keep, making it far more convenient for her to look after his dog in his absence. Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Selfishness Matters Author wins Bullshitzer!

Brilliant self-help parody penner Theo Selles has been awarded the prestigious Bullshitzer Prize for his stunning literary achievement, Selfishness Matters! The award was presented to Mr. Selles by his son Zakary at their country estate somewhere North West of Martha’s Vineyard. In a clearly improvised and emotional speech, Mr. Selles said that he was accepting the award “on behalf of everyone who’s ever had a dream and remembered it.” He went on to say that he was as excited about receiving the award "as if I hadn’t even invented it myself!” When asked how he felt about his father’s achievement his son said, “Whut?” When pressed to elaborate and asked how he felt about anything, the 16 year old boy said, “I dunno.” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sales of Selfishness Matters Skyrocket!

Sales of the sensational self-help parody book Selfishness Matters skyrocketed after a successful book signing event and subsequent book launch party this weekend. The excitement began when a doting public met the author, Theo Selles, at Books Galore in Port Perry. Book store owner, Bill Minors, (pictured with Mr. Selles) might have mused to himself that serious jostling occurred and may even have considered calling in anti-terrorist g20-seasoned police for crowd control! Mr. Selles enthused that “Sales of Selfishness Matters have at least tripled from 14 to 32!” When challenged, Mr. Selles acknowledged he'd “never been good at math” but still maintained that 32 was a lot more than 14, and he anticipated even greater success with more newspaper stories and book-signing events being scheduled “even as we speak.” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Selfishness Matters a Bestseller!

December 04/2010

Selfishness Matters a Bestseller!
The literary community was rocked today when it learned that within days of its release, Selfishness Matters became a bestseller! Theo Selles, the author of the proclaimed self-help parody book said that he’d never written a book before "so ipso facto and ergo." When asked what those words meant, Mr. Selles said, “I have no idea.” Mr. Selles added that he couldn’t really describe how it felt to become an overnight success “because, after all, it happened while I was sleeping. And when I woke up, I could hardly tell the difference.” Between the time of the hysterically funny book’s release and just a few sleeps, 14 (fourteen) copies of the book (5 to one friend) were sold and distributed to as far away as California.

Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!