Monday, March 7, 2011
As a result of daring undercover sleuthing the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Frank and Joe Hardy, The Selfish Scoop provides you with smuggled-out footage of what happens behind the forbidding walls of Port Perry’s infamous Asylum for Wealthy Wackos. And what you see must shock you! The picture you are viewing unmistakably reveals famed Bulshitzer prize winning author Theo Selles to be a wereflamingo! What’s more, the condition is clearly contagious! Craving reassurance, a troubled world flocked to the office of Psychiatrist Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, frantic for answers to questions it didn’t know how to ask. Dr. Dsm, feathers ruffled and defensive, flew off the handle and yelled, "Maybe he's undergoing an exotic form of avian regression therapy!" Local Ornithologist, Horace Peckwhistle, who was raised by flamingos from infancy and has dedicated his adulthood to study them, has been consulting with the authorities. Mr. Peckwhistle assured the public that “flamingos are typically NOT consumers of human flesh, and when faced with a full moon, are more likely to eat extra shrimp.” “Just don’t look like a shrimp” continued tiny Peckwhistle, waving a three fingered hand and sounding resentful, “those bastards will turn on you in a heartbeat!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!