Saturday, May 28, 2011

Self-help Guru refuses to say if s/he is a Boy or a Girl!

Theo Selles, famed author of self-help parody book Selfishness Matters, has created a worldwide tsunami of controversy and debate by declaring that s/he will no longer tell people whether s/he is a boy or a girl! Furthermore, Mizzter Selles has put the planet on notice that effective immediately s/he has changed herim’s name to “Thunder”. When asked why, Mizzter Selles said, “Because it’s cool”. Recognizing the need for professional clarity, The Scoop turned to in-house Genderologist Dr. Ima Blankslate for answers. Dr. Blankslate illuminated the issue thusly: “This is perfectly normal though it is important to know that there is no real ‘normal’ and one should avoid making any judgments about behavior which may or may not be a choice, is biologically and/or/neither socially determined, and is certainly natural since being unnatural is impossible because perceiving someone as acting unnaturally is wrong though ‘wrong’ itself as a concept is inappropriate as it hints at the possibility of the existence of normalcy.” This Scoop reporter has gone back to bed. Stay connected to the Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Selfishness Matters' Author a Wereflamingo!

As a result of daring undercover sleuthing the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Frank and Joe Hardy, The Selfish Scoop provides you with smuggled-out footage of what happens behind the forbidding walls of Port Perry’s infamous Asylum for Wealthy Wackos. And what you see must shock you! The picture you are viewing unmistakably reveals famed Bulshitzer prize winning author Theo Selles to be a wereflamingo! What’s more, the condition is clearly contagious! Craving reassurance, a troubled world flocked to the office of Psychiatrist Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, frantic for answers to questions it didn’t know how to ask. Dr. Dsm, feathers ruffled and defensive, flew off the handle and yelled, "Maybe he's undergoing an exotic form of avian regression therapy!" Local Ornithologist, Horace Peckwhistle, who was raised by flamingos from infancy and has dedicated his adulthood to study them, has been consulting with the authorities. Mr. Peckwhistle assured the public that “flamingos are typically NOT consumers of human flesh, and when faced with a full moon, are more likely to eat extra shrimp.” “Just don’t look like a shrimp” continued tiny Peckwhistle, waving a three fingered hand and sounding resentful, “those bastards will turn on you in a heartbeat!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Selfishness Matters’ Author Develops Split-Screen Personality!

The Selfish Scoop has confirmed that beloved self-help parody author Theo Selles has been admitted into the Port Perry Asylum for Wealthy Wackos with a severe case of Split-Screen Personality! Not since Stephen King was run over by a van has there been such alarm and anticipatory grief for a writer! Thousands of Mr. Selles’s devoted fans have anxiously gathered outside the Asylum on Lunatic Lawn to sit vigil, hold candles, and eat spam. One of them, Ms. Anonymity Privates, sobbed, “I just don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t recover! I used to watch Dr. Phil, but now I read Selfishness Matters over and over all day!” Scoop in-house Psychiatrist, Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, said that it was too early to provide a scientific explanation for why Mr. Selles would take on the images of TV personalities Marc Hebscher and Donna Skelly but he suspects “it has something to do with stress.” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Selfishness Matters author Challenges Entire Town to Therapy Smack-down!

In an outrageous move possibly calculated to get attention, parody penner Theo Selles has challenged the entire town of Uxbridge to a “Therapy Smack-down!” What started off as a simple book signing has escalated into a contest between the neurosis of town residents and the superior skills of a self-helper determined to overcome them. Mr. Selles, pictured here trying to look ominous, released this statement: “I, Theo Selles, Bullshitzer Prize winning author of the bestselling book Selfishness Matters, challenge you, the messed-up residents of Uxbridge, to bring me your silly relationship and mental health issues and I will neuter you in 5 minutes or less.” When it was suggested to the confident guru that perhaps he meant “fix”, he snapped, “I know what I said!” The smack-down is scheduled for 7 pm on February 8 at Blue Heron Books. One can’t help but wonder if success is starting to go to the author’s head and if he just might be going too far! Stay connected to the Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Famous Author Appeals to Paparazzi!

In a classic case of “What has the world come to?” beloved Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles is appealing to the paparazzi to stop following him around in his dreams! In an exclusive interview granted at his heavily guarded Canadian estate, Mr. Selles confided in The Scoop that he feels threatened by what he called, “an outrageous invasion of privacy.” “It’s one thing to have people fawn all over me and take pictures when I’m imagining myself skinny-dipping with Fergie in the South of France, but it’s quite another when people get right into my head!” Mr. Selles claimed that the unwanted nocturnal intrusions have left him a bundle of nerves and given him a severe case of the vapours. “When will it end?” Mr. Selles asked. “Is there no limit to what glamour-drawn celebrity stalkers can do?!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sex, Sex, and More Sex!

Sex, sex, and more sex did not happen last night at the opulent mansion home of Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles! The Scoop has it on good authority that the renowned Bullshitzer winning parody penner spent a sexless evening alone. By threatening to use The Freedom of Information Act, The Scoop was able to obtain a classified list of people with whom Mr. Selles did not have sex! This sensational list includes such notables as Cassius Clay, Oprah Winfrey, Elton John, Jennifer Lopez, Yogi Bear, Dr. Phil, and the deceased Ella Fitzgerald! When asked about the people he did not have sex with, Mr. Selles declared, “I do have some regrets, but I am not ashamed!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Loch Ness Monster in Author's Office!

Scientists from all over the world are converging on the sleepy town of Port Perry after an image of the Loch Ness Monster turned up in the office of Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles! The Bullshitzer Prize winner turned this photograph over to The Scoop early this morning. Mr. Selles said he took the picture after hearing “a noise in the middle of the night.” The Scoop’s in-house Marine Biologist, Dr. Coraline Kelp, was unable to rule out an appearance by “Nessie” in a house in Port Perry, saying, “Look, we truly know very little about it. We don’t know if it can fly. So until we know more, it’s just as reasonable to believe that it could turn up in someone’s office as any other place.” The Scoop has cross referenced the picture with file photos, and what can be known for certain is that the author’s Bullshitzer Prize can clearly be seen in the background proving potential authenticity without a doubt! Not everyone is enthusiastic about this story. Noted media skeptic, Mr. Qualm Naysayer, declared, “This is nothing but a blatant attempt by Mr. Selles to divert attention from his dog’s legal issues!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!