Selfishness Matters author Challenges Entire Town to Therapy Smack-down!

In an outrageous move possibly calculated to get attention, parody penner Theo Selles has challenged the entire town of Uxbridge to a “Therapy Smack-down!” What started off as a simple book signing has escalated into a contest between the neurosis of town residents and the superior skills of a self-helper determined to overcome them. Mr. Selles, pictured here trying to look ominous, released this statement: “I, Theo Selles, Bullshitzer Prize winning author of the bestselling book Selfishness Matters, challenge you, the messed-up residents of Uxbridge, to bring me your silly relationship and mental health issues and I will neuter you in 5 minutes or less.” When it was suggested to the confident guru that perhaps he meant “fix”, he snapped, “I know what I said!” The smack-down is scheduled for 7 pm on February 8 at Blue Heron Books. One can’t help but wonder if success is starting to go to the author’s head and if he just might be going too far! Stay connected to the Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Famous Author Appeals to Paparazzi!

In a classic case of “What has the world come to?” beloved Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles is appealing to the paparazzi to stop following him around in his dreams! In an exclusive interview granted at his heavily guarded Canadian estate, Mr. Selles confided in The Scoop that he feels threatened by what he called, “an outrageous invasion of privacy.” “It’s one thing to have people fawn all over me and take pictures when I’m imagining myself skinny-dipping with Fergie in the South of France, but it’s quite another when people get right into my head!” Mr. Selles claimed that the unwanted nocturnal intrusions have left him a bundle of nerves and given him a severe case of the vapours. “When will it end?” Mr. Selles asked. “Is there no limit to what glamour-drawn celebrity stalkers can do?!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Sex, Sex, and More Sex!

Sex, sex, and more sex did not happen last night at the opulent mansion home of Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles! The Scoop has it on good authority that the renowned Bullshitzer winning parody penner spent a sexless evening alone. By threatening to use The Freedom of Information Act, The Scoop was able to obtain a classified list of people with whom Mr. Selles did not have sex! This sensational list includes such notables as Cassius Clay, Oprah Winfrey, Elton John, Jennifer Lopez, Yogi Bear, Dr. Phil, and the deceased Ella Fitzgerald! When asked about the people he did not have sex with, Mr. Selles declared, “I do have some regrets, but I am not ashamed!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Loch Ness Monster in Author's Office!

Scientists from all over the world are converging on the sleepy town of Port Perry after an image of the Loch Ness Monster turned up in the office of Selfishness Matters author Theo Selles! The Bullshitzer Prize winner turned this photograph over to The Scoop early this morning. Mr. Selles said he took the picture after hearing “a noise in the middle of the night.” The Scoop’s in-house Marine Biologist, Dr. Coraline Kelp, was unable to rule out an appearance by “Nessie” in a house in Port Perry, saying, “Look, we truly know very little about it. We don’t know if it can fly. So until we know more, it’s just as reasonable to believe that it could turn up in someone’s office as any other place.” The Scoop has cross referenced the picture with file photos, and what can be known for certain is that the author’s Bullshitzer Prize can clearly be seen in the background proving potential authenticity without a doubt! Not everyone is enthusiastic about this story. Noted media skeptic, Mr. Qualm Naysayer, declared, “This is nothing but a blatant attempt by Mr. Selles to divert attention from his dog’s legal issues!” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Omens Abound!

Omens and portents abounded as the heavens aligned for beloved parody penner and Bullshitzer Prize winner, Theo Selles. A Lunar Eclipse and the beginning of Winter Solstice occurred AT THE SAME TIME as Mr. Selles celebrated a birthday! Coincidence, or an indication of how much influence the famed author has over the universe? The Scoop turned to in-house Druidologist and Medium, Ms. Crystal Frigga, for answers. Ms. Frigga intoned, “How can anyone doubt that these events have significance? Signs like these don’t just happen. We have to pay attention to what the universe is saying to us!!!!” When asked what that might be, Ms. Frigga answered, “We can’t always be 100% certain about these matters, but I am sure that Mr. Selles is going to meet a tall dark stranger.” It was left to Mr. Selles to put things into perspective as he accurately pointed out that, “None of this ever happened for whoever wrote those Harry Potter stories”, then he excused himself saying he had to put out some hay for camels as he was “expecting three wise men any time now.” Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Marine Biologist Troubled!

Where were the parents!? That’s the question The Scoop is asking in the aftermath of a Selfishness Matters book launch party gone wrong. By now the world knows of the accusations of salacious advancement pointed directly at Mr. Ziggy Selles in what is universally referred to as “The Ziggy Piggy Story.” But what’s been overlooked up to this point is the role Mr. Piggy’s parents played (or perhaps did not play) in Mr. Piggy’s protection while they were at the party. The Scoop obtained this photograph of Mr. Piggy and his mother and immediately turned it over to in-house Marine Biologist, Professor Coraline Kelp, for analysis. Professor Kelp said, “This appears to be a picture of two mammals in the water. The little one has what appears to be a tire around its neck, and it seems to be struggling to stay afloat. The older, female mammal has an expression on its face which could be interpreted to be one of glee.” When asked if she could rule out foul play, Professor Kelp stated, “Absolutely not!” She added, “This reminds me of all those dead birds I’ve seen strangled by plastic can holders.” The Scoop thanked Professor Kelp and helped her make an appointment with in-house Psychiatrist, Dr. Dsm, to ease her distress. So, does this evidence point to a pattern of parental negligence and possibly more? Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!

Caught in the Act!

Sordid details continue to emerge concerning the alleged inappropriate behavior of Mr. Ziggy J. Selles! Mr. Selles, a King Charles Cavalier/Poodle cross, has been accused of repeatedly making unwanted advances toward a Mr. “Little Piggy” at a Selfishness Matters book launch party imagined by The Scoop to be a drunken orgy of excess. The Scoop was able to obtain this photograph of Mr. Piggy being advanced upon by Mr. Selles! Dr. Thornton Dsm the Fourth, The Scoop's in-house Psychiatrist, has been able to ascertain from the photograph that Mr. Selles appears to demonstrate sinister intent, and could very well suffer from a variety of psychiatric disorders! Security and loyalty in the Selfishness Matters camp is notoriously tight, but one unidentified witness did describe the Cavi Poo’s behavior to be “salacious!” To make matters worse, it appears that “Little Piggy” is either a minor, or a very little person! Mr. Piggy has not made a public comment, although he has been seen blowing people kisses, which Dr. Dsm considers could be a maladaptive memory suppression coping mechanism. Stay connected to The Selfish Scoop. More dramatic news to follow!